I'm struggling emotionally these past few days. There has been very little progress on the sale of my farmhouse. I'm alone at home a lot. I'm half packed to go somewhere, and I might lose that somewhere while waiting for my house to finally close. To say I'm financially strapped is like an understatement. And to realize that right now for the first time in my entire adult life, my sole purpose is only me, causes me distress. Why?
Because I've never taken care of just me before, never. I left home pregnant at 18. My childhood was filled with poverty, abuse, neglect, one parent with mental health issues and one parent an alcoholic. Writing that down makes me want to re-word that last sentence in the first paragraph. For as long as I can remember my purpose in life was to bring joy, love, caring, companionship and laughter to others.
No, no, no, it's not a bad thing, but in many ways being co-dependent with others leaves YOU out of your own life. As a child, my joy came when I made my parents happy enough to be nice to me. READ that again. I was a child working to make my parents love me. I couldn't wait to get out of that home, so I clung to a boy that I thought loved me, got pregnant and left home the night of my 18th birthday. My dad told me. "go on, go, you're grown, get out." (he was drunker than shit, of course, that night like every other night)
I quickly realized that being married to a boy, when I had a baby to raise was not the right place to be. It was not a love I understood. I wasn't fixing anyone. I needed to nurture a baby, and I had no idea what that was, or how to do it. I only knew who to take care adults in distress, not take care of a baby and a boy or myself. I relinquished custody of my baby to the boy and his parents. At that time, it was really the best thing I could do for my child. The idea of raising my baby at my parents home was never an option. I didn't even have a job, or a car, and my diet consisted of chocolate cupcakes, diet soda, cheap beer, fried or mashed potatoes and government cheese.
While staying in an apartment with several roommates, I went on a seek and destroy mission of trying to find happiness. Which meant seeking the love of a man. A good man, one that should value me and respect me, not beat the crap out of me, or tell me to get out and go. I wanted one that rode on a white horse, carrying the glass slipper I left back home with the drunk. Guess what, that man has never been found, not by me anyway. I always picked ones with problems, ones that needed fixing. Cause that's what I did best. I fixed others. I never fixed me. Never had the time. If I wasn't fixing, I was trying to prove to them I was of some value to them, to their families. That left no time to fix whatever was wrong with me, or to care for me. And besides, I didn't know how to make just me happy. It only came when I was making others happy. Let me spell it out, CO-DEPENDENT.
Now the time is here to take care of me. I've given into my needs this year. I stopped being a caregiver to others. I'm not sure at all how this works. Having given all of my purpose to others, all my energy, all my wealth, has left me feeling like I have no purpose.
I'm making it slowly into this purposeful life of taking care and valuing me
I have started to look at myself. I have started living for just me. I've traveled a lot already. Taken little trips, gone out, talked with old friends. I'm working full-time. I'm looking in the mirror at someone I don't know, or like or understand. Because I'm not taking care of someone else. Who are you I ask? What are you doing there?
I will get past this with the help of my family, friends, and God. I pray daily, and I'm seeking out happiness in the littlest things. Trying not to worry because I know God's got me. I've had prayers answered, and I feel like my purpose isn't going to be all that hard. It may even be a whole lot of fun! But I have to give myself more time, and more hugs, and all of my love.
That is my purpose now.
